A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree
that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called
out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother
asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he
answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique
problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the
toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.
In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the
latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary
Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers
merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey
I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to
become Mine All Mine.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing
reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will
merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women
will merge and become Knott NOW!
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black
eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while
I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf
ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding
marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of
wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden
plowed."
HOW MEN CAN IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
A man is dating three women and wants to
decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He
gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see
what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She
goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make
up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man
gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again,
the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock
market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him
back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their
future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man
was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about
what each a woman had done with the money, and then he
married the one with the largest breasts.
Two men from Texas were
sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke
on a hamburger.
She gasped and gagged,
and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little
gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and
help."
He ran over to the young
lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands,
and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook
her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still
gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up
her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the
butt.
The young woman was so
shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and
began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down
with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin'
how that 'hind-lick' maneuver always works."
LOVE-LUST-MARRIAGE
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a
crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded
room.
LOVE - When you share everything you
own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When you phone each other just to
say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to complain about
work.
LOVE - When you write poems about your
partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When your only concern is for
your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with
mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in
public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio
describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do
it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you
try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to
think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only
thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in
doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your
partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
On the lighter side of
religion
Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins
and newsletters:
Don't let worry kill
you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck
supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the
many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who
have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar
this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there
will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there
will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies
Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put
Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there
will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing
to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his
private study.
This being Easter
Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.
The service will close
with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
Next Sunday, a special
collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church
have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen
in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be
held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
At the evening service
tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will
meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council
Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation.
Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes
are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be
entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites
any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join
the choir.
Please join us as we
show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the
girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving
aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister
unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
A young man was sitting in class when
the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade
decision was? He sat quietly, pondering this very profound
question.
Finally, after giving it a lot of
thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the
decision George Washington made prior to crossing the
Delaware "
Old Jokes
