 
Sideways Jokes |
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
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A man helped his mother unpack and get settled into her room on her first day at the nursing home. Before he left he told his mother "I'll be back to check on you tomorrow." Later that day a nurse passed the women's room and saw her sitting in a chair, leaning over to her right side. The nurse stopped and placed several pillows next to her to keep her upright. Later that evening the nurse passed the women's room and again saw the women sitting in her chair and this time leaning way to the left. Again the nurse placed pillows next to her to keep the women upright. The next day her son came to visit and asked his mother "So Mom, how is everything going?" His mother began to cry. He said "Mom, what's wrong?" "What have they done to you?" The woman said through her tears, "They won't let me fart."
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A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy walks out. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy leaves the shop. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." Again, the guy walks out. The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?" "To your house."
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Everyday Conversion Chart
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Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER! 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact: "Mary .... Mary" "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast & off to the golf course & I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day, it starts again." "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson,
Arizona."
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Ladies-vs- Real Women |
