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| One-Liners |
| Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If you send someone Styrofoam, how do you pack it? Everyone has a photographic memory but some just don't have any film. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Your ridiculous little opinions have been noted. People pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground. I used to have a handle on life but it broke off. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everyone but me". Try not to let your mind wonder...it's too small and fragile to be out by itself. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. When I die, I want to die like my Grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep...not screaming like all her passengers. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. I think, therefore, I am... not related to you. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! Clones are people two. Honesty is the key to any relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. It's difficult for men to make eye contact, breasts don't have eyes. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. Beauty is only skin deep. But some people must be inside out! A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Damn! A boomerang that doesn't work is called a stick. If it ain't broke, fix it until it is. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. A Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once and the seat folded up. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. Little girls eventually become young women. Little boys have the job for life! One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? Why is it called the tourist "season" if we can't shoot them? I intend to live forever. So far so good. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Abandon hope early and avoid the rush. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia. Any ship can be a mine-sweeper...once. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. Why do Gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. Eskimos who sit on the ice too long get polaroids. Crazy people go through life by following the psycho path. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Do sheep shrink when it rains? Is there another word for synonym? Is a castrated pig "disgruntled"? After you're "born again", do you have two bellybuttons? Most car accidents occur within five miles of home, so why not move ten miles away? If a turtle lost its shell, would he be naked or homeless? Do funeral processions at night drive with their headlights off? I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Some people learn from observation. Some have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? What if this wasn't a hypothetical question? If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Chaperones are persons too old to make the team but are still in there intercepting passes. People will believe anything if you whisper it. White wine goes with fish, grapes go with sushi. Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Never raise your hands to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The U.S. Government should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Professionals built the TITANIC, amateurs built the ARK. Bacteria is the only culture some people will ever have. Workers at the U.S. MINT are going to go on strike to make less money! Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...teach him to use the NET and he won't bother you for weeks! Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa! Film at 11:00. Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over? The score was Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1 when the game was called because of rain. The wages of sin are eternal damnation. The hours are pretty good though. 9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th should just mellow out. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. It's OK to laugh during sex...just don't point. FED-EX and UPS to merge...will be called FED-UP. They should put pictures of criminals on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them on their route. Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200.00. I would stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the first one meant to be thrown away? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Aim low... reach your goals...avoid disappointment. A day without sunshine is like, night. Sign on the door of a maternity ward in a hospital: "Push, Push, Push". Real Trekkies work out at the "He's Dead Gym". I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Borrow money from pessimist, they don't expect it back. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. Always remember you are unique just like everyone else. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
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